Page 19. A real man.
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O Human Star
by Blue Delliquanti
MORE OF BLUE’S STUFF
Page 19. A real man.
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…throw a temper tantrum? Yeah, probably.
Not a real man, Al…The Hulk… And sweet! Two updates!
The taped note X[___________] Oh nooooo
Ah there we go – looping back to the first page?
I found this funny for some reason
He hates himself so much. So utterly, and so completely. God. I can see the abuse from his childhood radiating off of him, and I know it so, so well from my own life. I’m glad I didn’t lose as much of my life to it as Al did, I guess.
This hurts, and neither of them are even real. Blue, you’re doing a great job.
Not sure what real men you’ve been hanging with Al, but that’s not what they’d do either. It’s so sad seeing how much frustration he has, and his unwillingness, fear, or maybe hatred, that’s keeping him from being open.
I can’t condone everything Brendan said to him, because communication is very important, but you can’t communicate with someone that doesn’t want to, that can’t. As much as they can suck, an Ultimatum would’ve been the better option when compared to all this damage (physically and emotionally).
I don’t know, I think an ultimatum would be the worst possible thing to do to Al- his instinct when given a tough choice is to be isolationist and self-destructive; if Brendan gave him a choice between coming out and breaking up, he’d probably just go all martyr-y and say that breaking up is the best way to keep Brendan “safe”.
True, but at least then Brendan would just accept that Al’s bullshit choice was what he wanted, and leave, maybe then prevent a lot of this stuff and what they said to each other?
Well, now I really understand exactly why Brendan thought Al killed himself at first.
Girlfriends, please.
Throwing crap during drama storms is quite common, for cripes sake, fifty percent of being gay IS drama. Brendan had Al against the wall in his own home. Please give Al the credit he deserves. He didn’t strike, hit, punch, slap, or for that matter lump any more insults on Brendan after taking considerable abuse…yes, ABUSE.
What Al did do is walk away, which is what Brendan should have done in the first place if he really didn’t like who Al was, it’s kind of hard to get past ‘Gee Al, please just don’t be you, be like some other guy I’d like a lot more, or you are a coward’. Ok, after someone gave me that song and dance, I’d have planted my foot in their ass to help them out the door.
If you want to redecorate your boyfriend, step off. Clean and simple. You either take them as they are, or leave them be and don’t lead them on. If you want toleration and to be accepted for who you are, you ALSO have to accept that others have the same right to be who they are, even if it clashes with your drapes and precious sensibilities.
There’s a difference between wanting to change someone and expressing your wants, needs, and boundaries with a partner. Pushing for someone to treat your better isn’t attempting to change the very core of them. It’s working out a negotiation about your relationship.
Brendan has tried to talk about this many times. He has expressed his feelings and been rebuffed. This fight is abusive, but it’s based on a three year parade of patience where he’s tried to express himself in much more healthy ways. He’s loved Al despite his withholding and self-loathing nature, and done what he could to nurture and care for him. Al has done the same, but his hatred at homosexuality has caused a huge block in their relationship.
At the same time of this fight, Al has also expressed his homophobia by calling Brendan a fruit and showing his distress at an actual character trait; not the content of the way Brendan communicates, but the manner of it (ie, inferring he’s too campy to be in acceptable company). Al’s not blameless here.
I’m so sympathetic to Al. His methods of coping with his history of trauma, whatever it is, have really fucked him up. But that’s not an excuse to deny communication that is needed to maintain and repair your relationship.
Also, throwing stuff around is abusive; that uncontrolled anger is unsafe and unacceptable, more than just harmless drama. Especially with the veiled threat there of “Real men use violence and or intimidation”. It’s why Brendan is leaving. He could wait forever for Al to open up to him if he knew Al was TRYING to work through his shit, but since Al refuses… Here he is, knowing he needs to get out of this toxic situation and show the seriousness in hopes Al will finally understand this important boundary. Being recognised is important.
I would like to nominate this comment for the Oscar.
Brendan is supposed to be smart. He is a graduate of MIT. He even said so. So what’s a smart young man doing when he decides to start a relationship with a brilliant but emotionally scarred man almost old enough to be his grandfather? He was being stupid.
If Al had been a woman who had been raped, and was having trouble emotionally being intimate with men again, or expressing sexuality, would you demand that she ‘just get over it’ and negotiate a new personality? I don’t think so.
For the record, there is a great deal of difference between ‘fear of homosexuals’, and being extremely off put by campy behavior. The door works both ways. If Brendan expects Al to ‘change’, could Brendan flip a switch and turn off his swishy behavior as well? I know I’m going to get negative feedback for saying this, but it is the elephant in the room. If you think others can alter the way they are to make you happy, are you ready to change just as much to make them happy as well?
If the response argument is going to be ‘Brendan should not have to change who he is to just to please Al’, then please extend the courtesy to Al as well.
I think it’s less about ‘changing’ a person, and more about communication. Which is very important in a relationship. But yes, eventually, change. Progressive change is good and both of them need to work on themselves and on their relationship, but in order to do that they’d have to talk. I really hope they get to that (in the present storyline), even if it’s just to reconcile. It’d be nice.
Also I’m gonna be blunt: saying ‘get over it’ to a person with trust issues (of any origin, really) isn’t very nice, but saying ‘if you’re smart, why did you stay with him?’ to a person in an unhealthy relationship isn’t very nice either.
I’m not going to argue that the table flip wasn’t violent, but I’m hesitant to call it abuse when it’s delivered in the context of a passive aggressive stab at Brendan’s language. It’s not like Al flipped it in a fury, or as a threat, or anything. He’s criticizing Brendan’s language by showing him how a Real Man would address an uncomfortable situation. And yes, I’m sure three years of keeping it out of the public eye would chafe, but this whole altercation began with Brendan attacking Al for shit like comparatively slower working and shaving his beard. Brendan has been the aggressor in this altercation from the start.
Like, none of this excuses shit, obviously, but you can’t just look at a flipped table and call abuse. One act of violence in the context of direct aggression is scary and violent, but that’s not abuse or abusive. Abuse, as we’re using it in this context, is a pattern, it requires a history of violent behaviors. And the only person Al has ever been shown to be violent with is himself.
I mean, I feel for Brendan, but you’d think after three years of Al not wanting to be publicly visible, he’d kind of catch on that this is something that needs to be addressed calmly, not in a fit of anger. Not that people (not that he’s a person, anyway) think clearly when they’re angry, but still! Three years of “I don’t want other people to know” is something to get out there and discuss, ideally as early as possible, not bottle it up until you explode.
Idk I’m just. I’m a very secretive, non-public kind of guy. Even were I straight, I don’t think I’d be comfortable with hand holding. I mean, besides the strangeness associated with feeling another person, let alone for extended periods of time. Were I in a relationship where the other person was constantly pushing me to do something I’m uncomfortable with doing, I’d end it. I get that recognition and visibility is important to some people, but that doesn’t override the other person’s boundaries of secrecy, regardless of their origin. If Al doesn’t want the relationship to be public, then Brendan has no right to resent him for that, nor does he have the right to demand Al put his comforts to the side for Brendan’s sake. It’s an impasse of personality, and both parties ought to either make concessions and meet in a middle ground, or agree that the difference is too much and end the relationship.
Deliberately remaining in an unhappy situation until you resent the other person for shit isn’t fair to the other person, y’know?
I think you’re right about Al only ever being violent toward himself, but the ‘abusive’ conversation I’m mentioning here also has roots in neglect as well as violence. There’s a pattern of ignoring Brendan’s needs and pleas for openness, and giving Brendan the majority of the emotional labor in the relationship and the business, with the added benefit of Brendan doing most of the business too. Even if it’s not abuse, even if it is just passive aggressively venting emotions, flipping a table in that controlled way is intimidation. So, I don’t know. Abusive maybe, but abuse.. No. You’re probably right.
You’re totally right in that it’s unfair of Brendan to get passive aggressive and snap, but I think he’s been feeling very neglected in general. Al was encouraged to grow the beard because Brendan thought it was hot, and it was unfair for Brendan to put that on Al. But I think the difference between bring private and shy versus being avoidant and non-communicative are important. As a much more Brendan-type, I understand where he’s coming from… But I also think if Al actually explained his emotions, why he felt the way he did, he could provide intimacy and comfort. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be private, or super open, or anything, but you need to be willing to communicate that to your partner. Al’s never talked about it. He’s well known for never talking about his relationship, his past, his emotions, his life.. Brendan’s asked and asked and asked. He loves him and he’s told Al he’d give him whatever support he wanted, and shown this by being supportive in work and in home. Al hasn’t reciprocated that emotional labor and trust. Al doesn’t need to give these things, but the cost is losing Brendan, and he doesn’t want that either. This is so much more than wanting to go public, it’s wanting to share in each other’s lives. If Brendan can’t share Al’s past, he at least wants to share the present, and if he can’t have that, he’s frustrated and hurt that Al is so withholding. Like I said, if Al talked about his fears, his emotions, his boundaries.. if Al SHARED, Brendan probably wouldn’t care that they weren’t out. If Al stood up for Brendan’s work, if he was more supportive in other ways, the relationship would be a moot point.
He’s a kid, and you’re right. If they are so incompatible, they shouldn’t be together. But they love each other and want to make it work, but don’t have a vocabulary, skills, and emotional distance to make it work now.
and this is the result of what we call
T O X I C M A S C U L I N I T Y
Oh no… Oh no oh no nononono Right after this fight is when Al… It’s when Al… um…. ohboy :(
This is it, just hit the button to go back to start. Repeat ad nauseam.
It’s really sad that even after 15 years and a still-not-cleared-up miraculous rebirth (Sulla, I think) these two still can’t talk with each other.
Typical for a bad relationship: Each partner expects the other to read his/her thoughts. And to change his/her ways, please
I’m probably not the first one to theorize this, but I think Al knows that he’s not doing well in the health-department and is doing something noble-stupid.
Also, man, I hope they’ll ge to talk it out in the present timeline, because seeing this fight as their last ‘talk’ before Al died is sad.
How very sad. This is why I’m a big fan of using safety words in arguments. It stops these kinds of toxic patterns from both people. Sadly this is not something these guys will learn in this “lifetime.” Hoping the future holds change.
Isn’t the discussion sort of ignoring the internal, unvocalized trauma for Al resulting from all of this “manliness” talk from Brendan when the very heart of the issue may very well be that Al is NOT – in fact – really a man?
Brendan certainly has valid grievances going into the argument as a person whose beloved is too ashamed of him to publicly acknowledge their relationship, and the “fruit” comment just adds to that. But if Al is – and always has been – struggling with gender, all of Brendan’s gender policing is just driving Al farther and farther from anything remotely resembling a space safe to express himself.
And just for bonus speculation, can we talk about the fact that Al just suddenly removed some of his facial hair (ding!) and seems to be experiencing symptoms potentially indicative of a pulmonary embolism, which could be the result of (perhaps unsupervised) estrogen treatment? Fever, coughing up blood…
bruh, he knew he was dying, he took one of the emulators… im pretty sure he had a play in the mysterious copy, if not the whole ai thing, and was somehow capable of erasing that knowledge from his robot self…
The whole concept of masculinity is dumb anyway.