I’m so sorry you are going through that—especially for so very long. Do your parents know how this makes you feel? No one should have to stuff their feelings, but they should be more mindful about expressing them in front of you, and maybe proactive about working through them so they can stop being sad.

I’ve heard this can be such a big thing that each parent goes through it differently—even some who believe themselves to be open-minded sometimes take longer to process and work through their feelings than they anticipate.

This happened to a friend who’s son came to start MTF hormones. She had known he was trans for over a year before he did this, and had suspected much longer (he was always LGBT and was gender-neutral for several years). She is not only worried she’s losing the person she raised (which is untrue but feelings can be irrational things), but worries deeply about health issues surrounding taking hormones and what happens if he changes his mind. These are really his business, and she needs to find a safe place to work through her feelings and learn to contain them so she can be happy and a more supportive parent, but self awareness like that takes courage.

I hope you and your parents find healing together. You both deserve it!

Really sorry to hear that, Ruth-or-Ford. Especially after a while, it’s really tough not to take it as ‘we’re grieving the person we thought you were because we preferred that version’.

I’m never sure how to react when someone tells me they’re grappling with ‘loss’ when their kid turns out to be trans, or autistic, or something else they didn’t expect by default. I mean, I get that change is hard and adjustments take some time, and I want to be sympathetic to that. But there’s always a part of me that wants to shake them by the shoulders and be all, ‘You haven’t lost a son! You’ve gained a happy daughter’. A friend confided in me that she was scared because her daughter was diagnosed as being on the spectrum and she was devastated because she just wanted the kid to have every opportunity possible. I managed to be positive about it. I said, ‘Well good. Now we know what sort of brain she has, and we can work with that and she’ll have BETTER access to opportunities if we don’t keep trying to shove her into a box marked “neurotypical”.’

I also love how Lucille is comfortable with whatever Brendan’s comfortable giving. Like, he doesn’t have to go into detail for her & that’s totally okay. And she’s comfortable sharing a lot in comparison and he’s okay with that too