True, but at least then Brendan would just accept that Al’s bullshit choice was what he wanted, and leave, maybe then prevent a lot of this stuff and what they said to each other?

I think you’re right about Al only ever being violent toward himself, but the ‘abusive’ conversation I’m mentioning here also has roots in neglect as well as violence. There’s a pattern of ignoring Brendan’s needs and pleas for openness, and giving Brendan the majority of the emotional labor in the relationship and the business, with the added benefit of Brendan doing most of the business too. Even if it’s not abuse, even if it is just passive aggressively venting emotions, flipping a table in that controlled way is intimidation. So, I don’t know. Abusive maybe, but abuse.. No. You’re probably right.

You’re totally right in that it’s unfair of Brendan to get passive aggressive and snap, but I think he’s been feeling very neglected in general. Al was encouraged to grow the beard because Brendan thought it was hot, and it was unfair for Brendan to put that on Al. But I think the difference between bring private and shy versus being avoidant and non-communicative are important. As a much more Brendan-type, I understand where he’s coming from… But I also think if Al actually explained his emotions, why he felt the way he did, he could provide intimacy and comfort. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be private, or super open, or anything, but you need to be willing to communicate that to your partner. Al’s never talked about it. He’s well known for never talking about his relationship, his past, his emotions, his life.. Brendan’s asked and asked and asked. He loves him and he’s told Al he’d give him whatever support he wanted, and shown this by being supportive in work and in home. Al hasn’t reciprocated that emotional labor and trust. Al doesn’t need to give these things, but the cost is losing Brendan, and he doesn’t want that either. This is so much more than wanting to go public, it’s wanting to share in each other’s lives. If Brendan can’t share Al’s past, he at least wants to share the present, and if he can’t have that, he’s frustrated and hurt that Al is so withholding. Like I said, if Al talked about his fears, his emotions, his boundaries.. if Al SHARED, Brendan probably wouldn’t care that they weren’t out. If Al stood up for Brendan’s work, if he was more supportive in other ways, the relationship would be a moot point.

He’s a kid, and you’re right. If they are so incompatible, they shouldn’t be together. But they love each other and want to make it work, but don’t have a vocabulary, skills, and emotional distance to make it work now.

Brendan certainly has valid grievances going into the argument as a person whose beloved is too ashamed of him to publicly acknowledge their relationship, and the “fruit” comment just adds to that. But if Al is – and always has been – struggling with gender, all of Brendan’s gender policing is just driving Al farther and farther from anything remotely resembling a space safe to express himself.

And just for bonus speculation, can we talk about the fact that Al just suddenly removed some of his facial hair (ding!) and seems to be experiencing symptoms potentially indicative of a pulmonary embolism, which could be the result of (perhaps unsupervised) estrogen treatment? Fever, coughing up blood…

I think it’s less about ‘changing’ a person, and more about communication. Which is very important in a relationship. But yes, eventually, change. Progressive change is good and both of them need to work on themselves and on their relationship, but in order to do that they’d have to talk. I really hope they get to that (in the present storyline), even if it’s just to reconcile. It’d be nice.

Also I’m gonna be blunt: saying ‘get over it’ to a person with trust issues (of any origin, really) isn’t very nice, but saying ‘if you’re smart, why did you stay with him?’ to a person in an unhealthy relationship isn’t very nice either.

Brendan is supposed to be smart. He is a graduate of MIT. He even said so. So what’s a smart young man doing when he decides to start a relationship with a brilliant but emotionally scarred man almost old enough to be his grandfather? He was being stupid.

If Al had been a woman who had been raped, and was having trouble emotionally being intimate with men again, or expressing sexuality, would you demand that she ‘just get over it’ and negotiate a new personality? I don’t think so.

For the record, there is a great deal of difference between ‘fear of homosexuals’, and being extremely off put by campy behavior. The door works both ways. If Brendan expects Al to ‘change’, could Brendan flip a switch and turn off his swishy behavior as well? I know I’m going to get negative feedback for saying this, but it is the elephant in the room. If you think others can alter the way they are to make you happy, are you ready to change just as much to make them happy as well?

If the response argument is going to be ‘Brendan should not have to change who he is to just to please Al’, then please extend the courtesy to Al as well.